My Profile Essay

Ryan Hayes





The first time I met Ryan, he was sharing a hospital room with my fiancé Mike after they had both had surgery. Spending every day together for about a week, Ryan and Mike came to know a lot about each other. They had a lot in common, and after Mike was discharged, we continued to see Ryan at the hospital during monthly doctor’s visits. The day of our interview was no different, as I sat in a loud, crowded waiting room at James Cancer Hospital interviewing Ryan as he was waiting to be called in for his appointment.

Ryan has endured many hard times during his short 28 years, battling heroin addiction and family troubles. Recently married, he thought he was finally on the right path when he was blindsided by cancer. He has (so far) had two surgeries to remove a cancerous tumor from his neck area, but is presently cancer free and trying to stay that way.

Looking back at it, it almost feels like a dream. I was having this neck stiffness for a while, and I just thought it was from working, but then it started getting worse and some days I couldn’t even move it and it started to become painful. My wife convinced me to go to the doctor, and I actually went to three different doctors before they found my tumor. It gets blurry after that, seeing lots of doctors at The James and my first surgery seemed like it came on really fast. Nobody tells you how to deal with cancer. There are so many things that this affects, especially when it comes to money. Cancer is expensive! I wasn’t allowed to work during or in between any of my surgeries and there’s nothing you can do. We asked this woman at the hospital at the very beginning of all this, “what do regular people do when they get cancer and they can’t work?” and this woman says, without even batting an eye, “They lose everything”. She tells me, a brand new cancer patient that people with cancer lose their house, their car, everything, like this is normal and not a big deal. I swear, the people at this hospital are awful.
The worst part is worrying about if it’s going to come back. Just, not trusting your own body to keep you healthy. Every time you come to the doctor, you’re worried that they’re going to tell you the cancer’s back. It’s scary and hard not to dwell on it constantly; it’s hard to keep a good attitude going on. I have to watch my health and stress level carefully; my wife Jenn has been good about making sure we eat healthy food and exercise. It has been hard finding people to talk to, and sometimes this is so stressful and I end up taking it out on people I shouldn’t.
I met Jenn through this guy Rob I worked with in landscaping. We were actually good friends before we ever got together. She watched me go through some girlfriends and I watched her go through some boyfriends, and we were cool with it, we talked almost every day, I could tell her anything. She hated one of my girlfriends so much that she finally decided she wanted to go out with me and stole me away from her. She knew I would leave anyone for her, and she was ruthless. (Laughs) She takes care of everything though, and has been the only person really here for me through this whole thing. She is really stressed out, and I sometimes blame her for not understanding everything I’m going through, but I can’t blame her for not having cancer you know? She keeps me sane and on the path that I’m on. She makes me extremely happy. I am ready to get through this and go on with my life, start a family and grow old with them.
When my folks split up, we were poor. More than poor, we were destitute. My mom worked random jobs and was gone a lot. I was the only white kid at my school and got in fights a lot. I guess this is when I started to act like a hard ass. Things were really fun and games for a while, we just partied, no cares in the world. When I think of this stuff, I really think of my mom. She’s been through so much and it was all because of me. I’ve stolen money from her, trashed house after house and went and got myself arrested. I was hanging out with some buddies one day, we were watching Hustle and Flow, when the DEA busted down our door with machine guns and all that. Anytime I hear that song “It’s hard out here for a pimp” I have flashbacks of those guys busting through the door. It was playing while we were being handcuffed with our faces smashed onto the floor. So that’s when everything came crashing down.
After I was arrested, I figured out pretty quickly that the cops had nothing on me and were basically looking for information on a major drug dealer. I was in jail for a few days before my mom came to bail me out and then we found out my case had been dropped. My lawyer recommended I go to rehab out of state, so that was my next stop. My sister Holly and her kids dropped me off at rehab. My niece and nephew didn’t really know what was going on, but I did, it was embarrassing. And I felt like a piece of shit. I want to totally turn my life around and show them I’m not that person anymore, I can’t go back there less than 110% better than I was. They’ve turned their backs on me, and I’m going to show them I can do it all on my own.
I’ve been able to go back to work landscaping this season and I’m really happy about it. I have to be careful about the amount of hours I’m working because of my health, and I can really feel the difference from previous years. I feel much more tired than I can remember being before, but it makes me feel normal to work and we can’t afford for me not to, so I just push through it. This probably sounds dumb, but it’s the kind of work that makes you feel manly, you know? And that’s good right now because this cancer thing has made me feel really weak and almost less of a man. I am just a landscaper and I have cancer and I’m okay with that. I know that good things are coming, and that’s what keeps me going.